Dreams lead to confusion

I wish... you hear that a lot, right? I hope... I dream... It all means the same thing. Things are not going your way. Life is unfair. There are better things in life, and they should be yours. Who doesn't feel that way?

Funny... I seemed to have lost my spark. That's been happening a lot lately: I get all fired up, determined over something or other; then, I feel deflated, like I lost without even putting up a fight. Sounds as though I gave up though, but how can you fight when you lose all your spirit?

That's what it feels like. Everything that makes me who I am just disappeared. All the colors are muted. Then, I go idle. Most people think I am lost in thought, but I'm just there, not doing much of anything, just breathing really.

There are times when I get overwhelmed with emotions: anger, sadness... all those negative ones. I feel like screaming, crying, breaking things. I have picked so many fights with my boyfriend over little to no reason because I am a whirlwind of emotions.

A lot of people think I am pregnant. I'm not. I've taken a few tests. All of them were clearly negative.

I'm scared. Not too sure why, but it's what I am feeling right now. I feel a bit weak for admitting it but a little better as well.

Well, life goes on. Guess I will, too.

Looking Good?

I have never considered myself pretty.

I can hear you groan now, "Oh no! One of these emo chicks again?"

I am NOT emo, or self-pitying. It serves no purpose. No, I am stating a fact: I have never considered myself pretty. Not to say that I am hideous. Then again, some people may have that opinion, and I have no clue about it.

Well, I'm not exactly sure what brought these thoughts on. That's a lie. Earlier today, I was washing my hands, and my boyfriend's ex walked in. As I saw her reflection near mine, I mentally exclaimed, "She is SO pretty!" Then, I looked at myself. 

I have always had a mass of "curly, black" hair. I put curly and black in quotation marks because my hair is actually more wavy than curly and really dark brown, not black. 

My eyes are slightly big and a medium brown color with two different sized pupils (a common birth defect). Although, you might not notice because they are behind a kinda thick pair of Clark Kent glasses. The black plastic kind that everyone wore in the eighties. 

I have a button nose. Personally, I have no problem with my nose whatsoever.

Medium sized lips, not really full or thin. Straight teeth. One of my front teeth has a chip though. Long story short, I fell off my bike.

I am of Hispanic descent. Light complected skin that happens to tan well is what I have. 

Short is stature. I stand at about 5'4" on a good day. 

I am a bit bigger than the average girl. Some nice ways to say it: "kind of chubby," "plump." Some not so nice ways: "a little on the fat side," or even "fat." 

Honestly, I am okay with my looks. My hair has a mind of its own, so I will let it do what it wants. I have worn contacts before, but those cost money, and I am a poor college student. You do the math. As for my body, I know that I need to work towards getting healthy. Not necessarily skinny, but healthy is a definite yes. 

I find it so weird that seeing my boyfriend's ex spurned all this on. Comparing our reflections caused me to have all these thoughts about myself. 

The fact of the matter is I am not gorgeous. Most people describe me as "cute", and I am okay with that. 

This is a picture of me without my glasses; just to give you an idea of what I am talking about.