The Hole in Me.

   Long time no type. I know that no one follow this, but having this out there just makes me feel so much better. An online diary of sorts; lol, stating the obvious it seems.
   I've been feeling depressed as of late. Longer than that actually. I hate it. I don't understand it. My gosh, it hurts so much. It feels as though there's a huge hole in me that keeps growing and growing. I keep falling deeper every minute that passes. I've lost my hope. It's all I can do to continue with my obligations.
   I don't go to class anymore. It seems like there's no point. There's very little that I get excited about; when I do get excited, it is very short-lived. I envy everyone. To see their smiling faces, hear their joyous laughter... Why does that elude me? It's like it's within my grasp and slips through my fingers like water.
   It feels as though I am being consumed by sadness, and there's no way to explain it. I don't even know when it all started. Has it only been this past semester? Maybe it has been there this entire time, growing bit by bit, and I've only noticed it until now.
   Whatever the case may be, I wish it were gone. I don't have the strength to pull myself out anymore. When I'm alone, I find myself crying. Why? Why is this happening to me?
   I'm glad I have him though. Without his presence, I'm sure I would have given up long ago. It would seem that I still have a bit of hope left.

Until next time.

A Short Self Journey

   It sure has been a while, huh? To be perfectly frank, I forgot I had this. What with the new year and all, I've been so busy, and I missed writing terribly.

   As I was going through emails past, I couldn't help myself and read some old conversations. It has been so long since I last wrote anything conveying any feeling whatsoever that I was surprised by what I had written.

       "The musical came and went this past weekend. It was so tiring, stressful, but definitely worth it! The actors did wonderful and sang so beautifully!!! I am glad that it is over, but it leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth. I made so many new friends that I would see everyday, and now I don't see them very much at all."

   "It leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth." That's the line that really gets me. Lately, I don't speak in that fashion. When I write, I feel like a completely different person; I lose all inhibitions and "speak" more deeply like I never have before.


   I look back on recent conversations, and my vocabulary has been dumbed down, my behavior as well. Am I truly hiding myself just to fit in? Do I think my friends are really that stupid?

  My friends are NOT stupid: I am though. To think that I allowed myself to behave in a different manner because I was afraid of not fitting in. My friends are better than that, as am I.


   I started with this blog so that I can explore my thoughts and feelings: so as to prevent myself from keeping everything in; to find myself, as cliche as that sounds. Now, I feel just a little bit closer to who I really am.

Dreams lead to confusion

I wish... you hear that a lot, right? I hope... I dream... It all means the same thing. Things are not going your way. Life is unfair. There are better things in life, and they should be yours. Who doesn't feel that way?

Funny... I seemed to have lost my spark. That's been happening a lot lately: I get all fired up, determined over something or other; then, I feel deflated, like I lost without even putting up a fight. Sounds as though I gave up though, but how can you fight when you lose all your spirit?

That's what it feels like. Everything that makes me who I am just disappeared. All the colors are muted. Then, I go idle. Most people think I am lost in thought, but I'm just there, not doing much of anything, just breathing really.

There are times when I get overwhelmed with emotions: anger, sadness... all those negative ones. I feel like screaming, crying, breaking things. I have picked so many fights with my boyfriend over little to no reason because I am a whirlwind of emotions.

A lot of people think I am pregnant. I'm not. I've taken a few tests. All of them were clearly negative.

I'm scared. Not too sure why, but it's what I am feeling right now. I feel a bit weak for admitting it but a little better as well.

Well, life goes on. Guess I will, too.

Looking Good?

I have never considered myself pretty.

I can hear you groan now, "Oh no! One of these emo chicks again?"

I am NOT emo, or self-pitying. It serves no purpose. No, I am stating a fact: I have never considered myself pretty. Not to say that I am hideous. Then again, some people may have that opinion, and I have no clue about it.

Well, I'm not exactly sure what brought these thoughts on. That's a lie. Earlier today, I was washing my hands, and my boyfriend's ex walked in. As I saw her reflection near mine, I mentally exclaimed, "She is SO pretty!" Then, I looked at myself. 

I have always had a mass of "curly, black" hair. I put curly and black in quotation marks because my hair is actually more wavy than curly and really dark brown, not black. 

My eyes are slightly big and a medium brown color with two different sized pupils (a common birth defect). Although, you might not notice because they are behind a kinda thick pair of Clark Kent glasses. The black plastic kind that everyone wore in the eighties. 

I have a button nose. Personally, I have no problem with my nose whatsoever.

Medium sized lips, not really full or thin. Straight teeth. One of my front teeth has a chip though. Long story short, I fell off my bike.

I am of Hispanic descent. Light complected skin that happens to tan well is what I have. 

Short is stature. I stand at about 5'4" on a good day. 

I am a bit bigger than the average girl. Some nice ways to say it: "kind of chubby," "plump." Some not so nice ways: "a little on the fat side," or even "fat." 

Honestly, I am okay with my looks. My hair has a mind of its own, so I will let it do what it wants. I have worn contacts before, but those cost money, and I am a poor college student. You do the math. As for my body, I know that I need to work towards getting healthy. Not necessarily skinny, but healthy is a definite yes. 

I find it so weird that seeing my boyfriend's ex spurned all this on. Comparing our reflections caused me to have all these thoughts about myself. 

The fact of the matter is I am not gorgeous. Most people describe me as "cute", and I am okay with that. 

This is a picture of me without my glasses; just to give you an idea of what I am talking about.