The Hole in Me.

   Long time no type. I know that no one follow this, but having this out there just makes me feel so much better. An online diary of sorts; lol, stating the obvious it seems.
   I've been feeling depressed as of late. Longer than that actually. I hate it. I don't understand it. My gosh, it hurts so much. It feels as though there's a huge hole in me that keeps growing and growing. I keep falling deeper every minute that passes. I've lost my hope. It's all I can do to continue with my obligations.
   I don't go to class anymore. It seems like there's no point. There's very little that I get excited about; when I do get excited, it is very short-lived. I envy everyone. To see their smiling faces, hear their joyous laughter... Why does that elude me? It's like it's within my grasp and slips through my fingers like water.
   It feels as though I am being consumed by sadness, and there's no way to explain it. I don't even know when it all started. Has it only been this past semester? Maybe it has been there this entire time, growing bit by bit, and I've only noticed it until now.
   Whatever the case may be, I wish it were gone. I don't have the strength to pull myself out anymore. When I'm alone, I find myself crying. Why? Why is this happening to me?
   I'm glad I have him though. Without his presence, I'm sure I would have given up long ago. It would seem that I still have a bit of hope left.

Until next time.

A Short Self Journey

   It sure has been a while, huh? To be perfectly frank, I forgot I had this. What with the new year and all, I've been so busy, and I missed writing terribly.

   As I was going through emails past, I couldn't help myself and read some old conversations. It has been so long since I last wrote anything conveying any feeling whatsoever that I was surprised by what I had written.

       "The musical came and went this past weekend. It was so tiring, stressful, but definitely worth it! The actors did wonderful and sang so beautifully!!! I am glad that it is over, but it leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth. I made so many new friends that I would see everyday, and now I don't see them very much at all."

   "It leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth." That's the line that really gets me. Lately, I don't speak in that fashion. When I write, I feel like a completely different person; I lose all inhibitions and "speak" more deeply like I never have before.


   I look back on recent conversations, and my vocabulary has been dumbed down, my behavior as well. Am I truly hiding myself just to fit in? Do I think my friends are really that stupid?

  My friends are NOT stupid: I am though. To think that I allowed myself to behave in a different manner because I was afraid of not fitting in. My friends are better than that, as am I.


   I started with this blog so that I can explore my thoughts and feelings: so as to prevent myself from keeping everything in; to find myself, as cliche as that sounds. Now, I feel just a little bit closer to who I really am.